Behind Those Eyes
by bleachfan78
Summary: Renji reflects on the first moment he truly felt like Byakuya's lieutenant. This can be read as a prologue to "Consequences".


I don't own Bleach.

This takes place at the end of the Soul Society arc, when Ichigo's climbs up to Byakuya's window in the infirmary and interrupts Renji.

* * *

Renji stood there a moment longer, looking at his captain. He wasn't sure if he was amused by Captain Kuchiki's only words following Ichigo's random appearance in the window and the ensuing conversation, or if he should have expected it.

Recapturing the moment was hard, the exact words he was going to say had already flown out of his head thanks to the orange haired idiot, but one thing was for sure, Renji was not going to give up. Be it a fight, or a moment like this that called for words – and not just any words, the right words – Abarai Renji would not give up. Of course, the fights were easier.

Now that he was standing next to his captain's bed, going back to his chair would have been awkward. Perhaps it was better this way. He dropped to his knees, kneeling at the edge of the bed, hands at his sides; gaze down on the white sheet in front of him.

Summoning up his courage – fights really were easier – he tried again, "Captain..."

It wasn't any easier the second time around. Nor did he have the thoughts quite as together in his head as he had had before. "Captain..."

There was another moment of silence as he tried to gather his wits, but it turned out that he wasn't the one to break it. "Renji."

He kept looking forward, trying to think of the words that would fit best.

"Renji." The tone was the same as everything else Captain Kuchiki had said that day. Distant. Though, perhaps, there was more to it. Sadness? Regret? It was so hard to tell from a man that betrayed so little. "Renji, look at me."

Apparently, he'd been silent for too long. He didn't want to look, for fear it would be his undoing, but he could not disobey the direct command. Slowly, he turned his gaze back toward his captain, meeting his eyes, those eyes that so often gave away so little, but, on rare occasion gave away so much. He felt privileged to have seen them do just that – surprise mostly, perhaps even disbelief, and even a moment of outright shock, something that would have been a full facial expression on anyone else but was only the slightest reaction on Kuchiki Byakuya. At the time, he'd been incredibly pleased with himself to draw those reactions out of his captain. Now... now was another matter.

Looking into those eyes now was the first time he really saw emotions in them. Emotions that were more than just a reaction that Captain Kuchiki had not managed to hide. No, Renji was meant to see this; otherwise, he would never have been able to.

He wasn't sure how long he stared into those dark eyes. They pulled him down, drew him into a world he normally never saw. Once locked in that gaze it was impossible to pull back, and he was sent spiraling, crashing, and drowning in their depth. At first it was suffocating, so much bearing down on him, but then it was over, and the weight that had been bearing down on his shoulders was suddenly gone, lifted completely. He could breathe again. He was afraid that he may have even taken large, gasping breaths of air. If he had, Captain Kuchiki's gaze betrayed nothing.

He turned away, not able to look any longer, especially not once those dark eyes returned to their usual state, not betraying any emotion.

No, that wasn't true, was it? Now that he had seen what he had, he felt he could catch glimpses of the secrets that were normally hidden. It was like he knew what to look for now. Just like after observing his captain's moves in battle enough times he was able to know what was coming, now that he had been let into that world behind those eyes, he knew what was there, knew how to spot it behind the usual mask. Not given away freely, no, just like how the moves in the fight were never given away, but there to discover for someone who tried hard enough to figure them out.

He looked back, curious if he could still see it. While he no longer felt that overwhelming rush from moments before, there was something different. Captain Kuchiki's eyes seemed... softer. At the moment, he simply felt a sense of calmness, but the knowledge was there that he may be able to finally see past them and know better what his captain was thinking in the future.

He'd have to practice, of course, nothing came easy, and especially not with Kuchiki Byakuya. Of course, that challenge was a big part of what kept him going.

"Thank you," he said softly.

His captain nodded, finally turning away and looking out the window.

Nothing needed to be said. Much to his surprise, his captain had understood everything that Renji had been trying to say, despite him not being able to form a single word of it. There was no need for apologies or explanations. There was no need to worry about where he stood. His place was right here, and, even though he'd only been at Captain Kuchiki's side for a few short months, it felt like this was the place he really belonged.

He suddenly understood as well. While he would never fully comprehend the reasons why his captain had done what he had for so long, Renji understood what Captain Kuchiki had gained by fighting Ichigo, what he had learned from that. What had changed? He had thought that his captain had stepped in front of Ichimaru's sword because he was protecting Rukia from Aizen and his plot. That, and once he knew that it was a plot and not an act of justice or law, he could finally step in. Now, Renji knew different. At that moment, it hadn't matter who held the blade. At that moment, Captain Kuchiki's motivations were not so different from Ichigo's or Renji's own.

That understanding between them, Renji of his captain, and Captain Kuchiki of Renji, was all he needed. Everything was all right with his world. Rukia was safe, he was alive, and he hadn't lost his captain's respect. It was enough. Even if it meant that certain orange-haired bastards appeared randomly in windows that were way off the ground. And when his captain was trying to rest, no less. The nerve.

They sat in silence for a while longer, which was how they had spent the earlier part of today and the few days before that. As soon as Renji had been released from his own care he had come here, to his captain's side. That the captain had not said anything to him for so long had troubled him, but somehow he couldn't make himself speak first. Or perhaps it was a habit, waiting until he was spoken to. Renji almost laughed, in no other case would he care if he had permission to speak, but around Kuchiki Byakuya it mattered.

Soon it started to grow dark, and in the past few days that was when he had left. This time, it wasn't too difficult to remain by his captain's bed and watch the sunset out the window.

"Renji?"

"Yes, sir?"

"You are going to see them off tomorrow, are you not?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good. We will go from here. It would not do for a captain and his vice-captain to arrive separately."

"You're going?" Renji knew he couldn't keep the surprise off his face.

"Of course I am going." The tone in his captain's voice made it sound as if Renji was an idiot for asking the question. Perhaps, considering the earlier revelations, he was.

"Is that okay with Captain Unohana?" The state of Captain Kuchiki's recovery was also part of his concern.

His captain nodded. "She requests I return to resting right after they depart, but has given me permission to go."

Renji smiled. "I'm glad you're going, sir."

"As am I."

Renji stood, stretching. Normally kneeling for so long would not have bothered him, but despite that he'd been released and felt pretty much recovered, he still sometimes felt things that wouldn't normally bother him. Then again, he had, within a short period of time, had the shit beat out of him first by Ichigo, then by his own captain, and lastly by that bastard Aizen – that last one pissed him off the most. The small hints of stiffness and pain annoyed him, especially when Ichigo was running around and climbing the sides of buildings like nothing had ever happened. Damn bastard. "I'll come by tomorrow, sir, so that we can walk to the departure together."

"Very good." Captain Kuchiki turned to look at him. "And, Renji? Will you bring my things?"

"Yes, sir."

When Renji knocked on the door the next day, it was Captain Unohana who called for him to enter. She was fixing Captain Kuchiki's bandages, clearly done with her examination and any healing she may have administered. The new bandages covered a smaller portion of the captain's upper body, no longer going all the way up his neck.

Renji stood and waited as Captain Unohana finished. "Don't overdo it unnecessarily, Captain Kuchiki," she said as she finished. "And be sure to rest afterward, though you are welcome to do it within your own space. You do not need to return here."

"Thank you, Captain Unohana," he told her politely.

She gave Renji a smile as she left.

The captain stood up slowly and then held a hand out for his things. Renji walked over to him and set the items down on the bed as carefully as he could so nothing would wrinkle or otherwise be disturbed – he knew he'd never hear the end of it if things weren't perfect. "You heard what she said, Captain, you're to take it easy. So let me help you."

The captain gave him a very level look.

Renji held out his hands in a peaceful gesture. "You're my captain, sir, I know how you normally stand up, and that wasn't it. I know you're still feeling weaker than you'd like to admit. But they don't know that," he gestured out the window, referring to anyone and everyone out there. "You know, I know, Captain Unohana knows, but they don't. And they won't, because I know you well enough to know that you will arrive at the departure ceremony walking as straight and tall as you normally do, no matter how you really feel. But you don't need to do that here. And besides, save your strength now so you can stand straight and tall later."

Captain Kuchiki gave him a look that could have been a lot of things: denying how weak he still was, frustrated that the healing was taking so long, angry at Renji for being so bold. Perhaps it held a little bit of all of those emotions. Renji knew damn well that if he was in the captain's place he'd be pissed as fuck that Ichigo and he were pretty much healed. Of course, he and Ichigo had been healed in between all of their fights. Captain Kuchiki had gone straight from his fight with Ichigo to taking a death blow dealt by Ichimaru. That he'd taken it, injured as he was, and survived, said a lot about how strong this man really was.

Finally the look softened and Captain Kuchiki nodded. "Perhaps you are right." It was also very clear that Renji would not be getting away with those kinds of statements often. If ever again.

Renji took that as his permission to act. The robe the captain had been wearing in bed was already off his shoulders, the belt around his waist keeping it on. With anyone else he might have teased, but he simply undid the belt on the robe without further comment and caught it as it fell away, keeping his eyes averted. Oh, he wanted to look, but he also knew that the captain would know if he looked or not.

He started with the hakama, holding the legs open for his captain to step into. Still keeping his gaze averted, he pulled them up to Captain Kuchiki's knees and waited until he felt his captain take over, pulling the pants up the rest of the way. He then held out the top robe and helped Captain Kuchiki slide his arms into the sleeves. He let his captain tuck it into his hakama and adjust his clothing appropriately before taking care of the belt for him. He'd spent so much time studying this man, most of which had been spent learning his moves, his strength, his techniques, but he'd memorized the little details as well. Tying off the belt the same way Captain Kuchiki always had it was not a problem for him.

He picked up the coat next, helping his captain into it. There were some captains who he would have never thought commanded respect until they put on their coats. There were other captains who commanded respect even without their coats. There had never been any doubt as to which category Kuchiki Byakuya fell, but the addition of the coat still served to create a certain aura about the man.

He urged the captain to sit, helping him with his footwear. For no one else would he have done this, knelt on the floor and lifted their feet, sliding on tabi and sandals. Renji then sat down on the bed next to the captain, and asked him to turn sideways a bit, away from him. He picked up the brush he had brought with him and gently brushed out his captain's hair.

Renji had often wondered how Captain Kuchiki's hair would feel. At times he thought it would be as stiff and rigid as the man himself. At other times, he knew it would be perfect like the man, and thus soft to the touch. Even now, without having been properly cared for in several days, it felt as soft and silky as he had expected. He was careful not to linger for too long, but the hair was hard to let go of. His own was thicker, perhaps a little more coarse, which was not something he'd normally call his own hair, but next to this, it was impossible not to.

Once it was brushed out he had the captain sit facing forward again and worked on setting his hair. This was trickier; he knew exactly how it was supposed to look, for it never looked any different, but never saw it done. He'd spent his whole walk over here pondering it, the kenseikan that held the hair sitting at the top of the things he was carrying so he could take a moment to observe them.

The only thing that saved him was having long hair himself and simply reasoning through how he would put his own hair into that style. He started facing his captain, and then realized it wasn't going to work. Envisioning doing it on himself his arms would be the other way. Fairly certain the captain did it on his own – he didn't strike Renji as the type that would normally have someone dress him, despite being nobility – he got on the bed as well, kneeling behind the captain and doing it that way. He debated what should be done first, the front or the side, and for a moment contemplated asking the captain, but he had a sneaking suspicion he wouldn't receive an answer anyway. Finally deciding that the front had to be done first, he set to work. Once he started, it was simple enough to stop thinking about it and simply do it.

Most people wouldn't have thought of him of having deft enough fingers to deal with this sort of task, but he was actually quite good at such things, largely because he dealt with his own long hair on a daily basis. He could get his own hair back in a perfect braid in mere moments while carrying on a conversation or otherwise keeping busy as long as the other task didn't require his hands. His usual ponytail he could do one handed in a pinch, though he preferred not to – it didn't look quite as good. This took more concentration than he usually spent on his own hair, and more skill, but within a few minutes, he was done. It probably only took the captain half the time, but of course, the captain had been doing it every day for who knew how long.

He got off the bed and look at his work from the front. He took a moment to make sure that it was absolutely perfect, that his captain's hair didn't look any different than it did on a normal day, and then finally nodded.

The very last thing he did was the gauntlets. Oddly enough, they made him more nervous than the hair. It was probably because he had never touched Captain Kuchiki's hands before. Sure, he had been handed things and passed things, he may have even accidentally brushed his fingers against the captain's hands before, but this was a first. Taking a hand in his, wrapping the gauntlet over the captain's arm, pulling the strap into place over his finger, securing it around his arm and wrist, and then doing it all over again on the other hand, was certainly a first.

Most shinigami had rough hands, calloused fingers from years and years of sword work. He wasn't sure why he expected Captain Kuchiki to be different, perhaps because only commoners, people who worked and toiled should have rough hands, while aristocrats should have smooth, perfect hands.

While the captain's hands were not as rough as his own, they were certainly nowhere near as smooth as he had expected. The calluses that should have been there on a man who frequently practiced and used his sword were there. It somehow made him more human, though no less perfect. That the captain didn't seek to hide those signs pleased Renji. He knew that Captain Kuchiki practiced with his sword even now, continuing to hone his skills. It helped inspire Renji and encourage him to practice even more himself. The rough spots were a testimony to the work the captain put in. They were a symbol of pride, not the pride of an aristocrat who would have valued smooth hands, but the pride of a man who had trained hard for his sword. It was yet another reason that Renji added to a long list of why he respected his captain so much.

There was only one thing missing, the scarf that normally wrapped around Captain Kuchiki's neck and shoulders. Renji had felt it land on him right before the captain's last words to him after their fight. Right before he'd finally passed out. He found it later, tucked into the inner pocket of his robes, stained with his blood but neatly folded. He wasn't sure who had put it in there, but whoever had, understood that it would have been important to Renji. He suspected that it was the first person that treated his wounds, but it was a matter for another time.

"I wasn't sure if you had... well, that is, I didn't want to search..." he stammered a bit, not sure how else to say it. Clothes were easy to come by. The fourth squad had clearly collected the captain's personal belongings and had returned them to his quarters. Someone had set the kenseikan, gauntlets, and coat, all of them clean and well taken care of, on Captain Kuchiki's bed. Renji had simply picked them up and brought them here. He didn't feel right searching through the captain's possessions to search out a spare scarf. He thought the captain might keep a spare, in case one was dirtied, but then again, he should have known that Kuchiki Byakuya would never expect to have it dirtied in any way.

"I do not," the captain replied. "I shall have to replace it, but it is all right for today."

Renji didn't want to meet his eyes then, didn't want to remember the fight at the moment. How cocky he'd been, how much he'd overestimated himself. But, the least he could say was that he hadn't embarrassed himself, not even in defeat.

Changing, the subject, he asked, "Ready?"

With a nod his captain stood. There was only one thing remaining, one thing that Renji did not feel comfortable doing. Senbonzakura. Renji had always believed that no one should ever tough another person's Zanpakutou unless given permission from the bearer or unless the bearer was somehow incapacitated. Captain Kuchiki did not question that Renji did not hand Senbonzakura to him, so perhaps he felt the same way or adhered to the same etiquette.

The captain's Zanpakutou lay on a table not far from the bed. For the first few days Renji had come in to sit with the captain all that lay on the table was the hilt and scabbard, testament to the end of Captain Kuchiki's fight with Ichigo. Then one morning Renji had come in and the blade had been whole, lying next to the scabbard. Renji understood; he'd been through the same process recently himself, twice at that.

Captain Kuchiki stepped over to the table on his own, picking up the sheath and attaching it to his belt before lifting the sword and sliding it into the sheath. He then motioned toward the door. Renji was surprised that he had not requested a mirror. He could understand why the captain may not have needed to check his clothing, he could see them and there was little one could do to screw them up. He was, however, very surprised that Captain Kuchiki didn't at least check his hair in a mirror. It looked like it always did to Renji, but perhaps to the captain there would be some minuscule imperfection he would want to fix before going out in public.

To Renji there was no higher honor at that moment, no greater sign of trust, than that one simple gesture of not looking into or asking for a mirror. The captain simply gestured to the door, indicating that he was ready to leave. "Captain," he said softly, almost a question, as he stepped up to the man.

"Yes?"

"At least until we leave the building, lean on me, please." He kept his eyes down, not sure how the captain would react. There was a moment of silence, both of them still, and then an arm wrapped around his shoulder. Renji managed not to smile in triumph as he slid an arm around his captain's waist.

Letting his captain lean much of his weight on him, they walked together to the door. The hallway was empty; in fact, they didn't encounter anyone in their walk through the building. The hallways, which were normally busy with 4th squad members, patients, and visitors, were totally devoid of people. He had a sneaking suspicion that the 4th squad captain was responsible for that, as if she had known they would exit like this and that the 6th squad captain would not want anyone to see him.

He removed his arm first once they were outside, knowing that it was what his captain would have wanted him to do. He was right, as the arm around his shoulder moved only a split second later. His shoulder felt strangely empty without it. It had been a comfortable presence, not the least bit awkward.

They kept walking, their upper arms brushing. Captain Kuchiki was still, if slightly, leaning on him, not in a way that anyone would notice, but enough that Renji still bore some of his weight. As they got into a busier area the captain straightened, no longer leaning, but walking very closely to Renji, and Renji was ready to support him should he stumble.

Of course, Kuchiki Byakuya never did.

As they got close to the place of departure, the captain pulled himself to his full height, a hidden reserve of power and energy filling his body. If they hadn't known, no one would have believed that this man had still been in a hospital bed that morning. Renji smiled and slowed just a bit, so he was walking a step behind the captain. It wouldn't do for his captain to not be just ahead of him when arriving to such an event.

He knew that there was no risk at all of the captain stumbling now, knew that the captain didn't need anyone to lean on. He also knew that should it for some inexplicable reason happen, he was right there behind the captain to catch him, and knew that Captain Kuchiki was aware of that as well.

Everyone looked up as they joined the group, seeing Kuchiki Byakuya the way everyone always saw him, composed and perfect, entering straight and tall, capturing everyone's attention.

Renji knew he was one of the few people to have the privilege of seeing something other than that. It wasn't an honor he would have had a week ago, but it was something that he did have today. He'd been a vice-captain for a while now, had been doing the types of things a vice-captain should do for his squad and for his captain. Today, however, was the first time he really felt like he had fulfilled his role.

* * *

Hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
